(Cal)vin Stead

Calvin Stead was my brother-in-law and one of my dearest friends, ever. He passsed
at 51 after a multiple year battle with cancer. Husband, father, son, brother, uncle, philsopher,
thinker, confidante, friend.

Ferociously intelligent, funny as hell, spiritual, musical, master raconteur, chef,
degree in poli sci and a diploma in computer systems.

Coming on 10 years. Fuck I miss you.

This was his Eulogy; the art above and the prose that follows were from my hand:

Cal Stead, the Ultimate Playlist
July 7, 1962 - Feb 19, 2013
Eulogy

This eulogy is a little unorthodox. Before we dive in, let‟s orient ourselves with a brief linear
sketch of Cal.

Son of Ione Longmore and Kenneth Stead, brother of Steven and Sharon, Cal was born in
Calgary, and moved to Victoria, where he graduated from Spectrum and UVic. Kris and he
married and moved to Japan where they taught English and travelled through the East and
Europe, returning to Greater Vancouver where Molly and Anna were born. Cal worked in high
tech up until 2008.

Now, let‟s get into it.

As you can imagine, it‟s been an emotional train wreck for a lot of people sitting in the pews
today over the last week. That‟s not a bad thing, in and of itself, it speaks to the tectonic effect
Cal had on our lives.

A lesser presence wouldn‟t have garnered the train metaphor; it would have been something
like “the last week has been like an emotional stubbed toe”. Definitely not Calvin.
Gary Baanstra compared his presence in a room as a cross between between superman - huge
presence, arms akimbo - and an intellectual supermodel. I love that.

I realized on draft 17 of this eulogy that there were parts of Calvin we all saw through the same
lens. And there were parts of Calvin known only by you and you and you.

This is my lens.

I hope you can match it up with your own, see the combined picture, and tuck it away carefully
in your heart, to bring out when you think of Cal.

In an email earlier this week, I called Calvin a huge flagship that sailed through all of our lives,
lighting up innumerable intersections on his way through.

A flag ship communicates, plays with the concepts, and travels. Remind you of anybody?
(Communication)

My first memory of Cal is honest communication.
Get a lot of our family together and ask “would you like to go to Butchardt Gardens, everyone,
with a meal afterwords?”

You‟d probably get “I‟m good with what you‟re good with, as long as it doesn‟t upset anybody
else. Plus, there should be a check in. And by the way, can you keep this between us?”
Juxtapose this with Cal.
“Are you out of your mind? Butchardt is a terrible idea. The perennials aren‟t out because of
an odd weather system that came in last year. And there is a *much* better restaurant 7 mins
up the hill then what you‟re considering. Let‟s meet there in 17 minutes”.
Then you followed him out the door.

I didn‟t know how to deal with such unbridled honesty at first. It was the first lesson Cal taught
me. You don‟t „deal with‟ authenticity. You don‟t need to filter things. (Well, maybe occasionally,
Kris?) He put it out there, clearly, simply, sometimes loudly. Then, and now, I think we could
use a lot more of that.

(Flagship. Communication, Concepts, Light, and Travels.)

A flagship plays with concepts. Lights are turned on and off, flags are positioned in different
ways to instantaneously transmit ideas across space.

That was Cal to a „T‟, and why I spent so many hours with him, sequestered during family
gatherings, as we played with concepts for hours on end. It became an in-joke at our family
gatherings or one-on-one. People would do a big arc around us as we got into it. I think there
were more than a few “don‟t make eye contact‟ comments over the years.
Philosophy to Physics, Christianity to Cosmology, Political Models to Parenting, Music to
Movies. And that was just the first 10 minutes, then we‟d really get deep.

Cal was a master debater who taught me critical thinking skills. Strangely enough, he was never
an arguer - pause - ok, that‟s an abject lie. Cal was the first person I met who actually liked to
take positions contrary to his personal beliefs, just for the fun and exercise of debate. And
occasionally to push buttons. I saw him more than once outside Lois and Phil‟s, pacing back
and forth arms waving wildly as he argued with himself.

He was one of the smartest people I ever knew, but genuinely didn‟t consider himself that
intelligent. This wasn‟t false humility, it was his honest self-assessment. And now, since he can‟t
argue back, I‟ll say it: you were wrong, buddy.

Light
(Flagship. Communication, Concepts, Light, and Travels.)
Light of the Spirit

Cal went on what I like to refer to as an accelerated speed learning course in spiritual
development. Over the last five years, he went from what he would call a sceptical foxhole
agnostic to a committed Christian. From fear to redemption, redemption to living, and living to
giving through faith, even as things were taken away from him, bit by bit by bit. All of this was
wrapped in grace that literally transcended understanding.

This was not a blind faith. Calvin spent literally hundreds of hours poring over and contemplating
the congruency of his Christian faith; first in juxtaposition with philosophical tenets, then with a
scientific worldview.

He was ebullient in his faith.

He talked about fear being its own cancer; how it could keep you being with the people you
love, or from going to a party because of anxiety.

And importantly, remarkably, he talked about how God took that fear away from him.
Calvin was known by some of the medical staff that treated him as the Bionic man - because he
had more procedures done than a Kardashian before a photo shoot. The difference of course,
was that the Kardashian‟s procedures were cosmetic.

Cal‟s were often life and death.

He knew, however, that God had his back, and fear was just not part of the equation.

Gary pointed out that Cal had little patience for overly material things. His favourite shirt was not
Calvin Klein, just something comfortable that fit loosely. To him, a car was something that got
you from point a to point b. Anything more was wasteful. Unless it was a computer... that was
worth spending extra on.

He lived what he believed - giving out bread and clothes at the Dugout, and sharing through
actions as well as words his genuine love for everyone. I saw his depth literally increase week
by week, right up until he left us.

St. Francis of Assisi said “It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our
preaching”.

Bingo.

The light of family.

Now this is supposed to be about Cal, but you can‟t tell his story without saying a few words
about Kris, Molly, and Anna. They don‟t want the spotlight now, so I won‟t put it on them - at
least a lot - but I will say a couple of things:

Kristi is an Iron Angel.

There might be better metaphors - maybe something with bamboo in it - strength and flexibility -
but Bamboo Angel didn‟t sound as good or as right as Iron Angel. I‟ve run long distances for fun
for about 20 years. Kristi puts whatever strength and stamina I‟ve worked for to shame. She did
it, she does it, she will always do it - with love and grace. She‟ll always be my hero.

Kristi played more roles over the last five years than Meryl Streep has amalgamated over the
last 20 years - but most importantly - like Cal‟s mom Ione, his sister Sharon, family, and all of his
friends - she simply loved him boundlessly.

Anything I can say about Kristi‟s selfless dedication to Calvin would be trite. You were Cal‟s Iron
Angel. Our Iron Angel. Thank you.

Molly and Anna - don‟t get me started - they‟re two of the funniest, smartest (my first draft I
actually put „most smartest'), most enigmatic kids I know. Calvin was so proud of them - he
used to sing “Green Acres” as he carried one bassinet under each arm, the giant
counterbalanced with his fledglings. He told both me and others how glad he was to see the
girls grow up to the point where he could see the adults they would become.

Cal‟s love for Molly, Anna, and Kristi transcends words. He knew - literally knew - how lucky he
was to have them in his life.

Light of Music

I always thought of Cal as a musician. While he didn‟t play an instrument or write music he knew
more about music than many musicians I know. Not counterpoint and chord structure and
major-minor scales, but the more important stuff.

He was able to reach into a song, past its heart and deep into its soul, pull specific pieces out,
hold them up to the sun and look at them like a jeweller, then put them back again.

If he liked the song, it became a part of him.

He was slower to dismiss music he didn‟t like than I, and more adventurous in exploring new
genres.

If you ever wanted to whet your musical appetite, you called or emailed Cal. He introduced me
to Quadrophenia, by the Who. I was so floored when I first heard it, I played it back-to-back for
close to five hours, then called Cal and spent another hour wondering how I had grown up not
listening to this, and marvelling at all the backstories he had about it at his fingertips
If you‟re wondering, his Favourite Who Album: Live at Leeds.

Our world is full of ineffables like music. Cal loved to light them up, find patterns, pop them out
and hold them up to you. Do you see that? Do you SEE THAT?

The light of friendship

Cal was the master raconteur. The timbre of his voice, the quickness of thought and tongue, the
cadence which he would tell a story - all matched with intense eyes and gesticulations, and
booming, room-filling voice. Those who were lucky enough to know Cal knew this well, but they
also knew the core Cal - the one who would spend three days - literally three days - making a
meal for New Year‟s eve because he loved food, and even more loved feeding his friends and
family. And he was a messy.

As Gary told me - you could always trust that Cal would be honest with you about who you
were. He was often very kind with his words, and helped you see the good in the bad that you
had done. But he was ALSO never afraid to agree with how BAD you had actually done
something...

He adored his fishing trips and poker nights with his buddies. How many are here today? Thank
you so much for that. There is a classic photo that Gary posted where Cal - full bearded and
smiling, brought out ribs to his fishing buddies after spending 3 hours making sure they were
just right.

While we‟re on it, I should get some bitterness out about Cal‟s beard. I‟ve worn various versions
of this (pointing to my own face) for at least 20 years. Let‟s just say that on occasion when I
would try to grow it out, weeks of concentration, affirmations, Made for TV products and sheer
will power would not produce 20% of Cal‟s facial manliness. Even after he had come out of
chemo, he sprouted like a hirsute Chia Pet. This made me bitter, but yes, I even loved him for
that too.

Intersections:

So you have Cal the flagship - the communicator and thinker - light shining on him, through him
on family, friends, music and all subject matter that came before him.

Then there‟s his intersections. His travels - geographically as well as figuratively - were, again,
larger than life.

I gauge that not a person here that knew Cal didn‟t also know of another gateway he had to
another friend or group of friends. Or a gateway of shared experience with somebody else.
I did a calculation, if you were to take all those intersections that Cal lit up, assign them a value
of 3 meters long and three meters wide, and laid them end to end from North Vancouver
towards the ferry - well, it would be a mess, and traffic couldn‟t get around very well. Cal lit up
staggering amount of intersections.

Conclusion

One night as I re-wrote these words for the umpteenth time, Hoto serendipitously texted me with
encouragement, telling me to take the unneeded big words out. Serendipitously texted me with
encouragement to take the unneeded big words out. I wasn‟t completely successful.
And now, as I wrap up, I‟m going to beg your patience as we dive just a little deeper here.

As I tried to to get to the core of Cal for this remembrance, I first teased out the parts of him that
everybody knew:
intelligence, humour, depth, compassion, argumentativeness, ability to press butttons,
love of pressing buttons,
love of music,
family,
wife and daughters,
nature,
food,
travel,
language,
knowledge,
and God.

Next I pondered over these nouns, and watched adjectives spiral and spill out of them and onto
the canvas, painting a more vivid but still incomplete picture of him.

The more I looked at the nouns and adjectives, and their building blocks - letters - the more I
realized that while Cal could hold language, there‟s no way language could hold Cal.

I pictured 26 letters - the building blocks of our communication, getting closer and closer
together until there was no separation between them.

God, Cal, family, memories, futures, past - all together in a space without limits or boundaries.
It was a picture, but it was a feeling too, one that gestated as I felt Cal was moving from Here to
There over the last few weeks.

Some days after he left last Tuesday - and this is still playing out real time for me - I started to
feel his closeness. Better than that - I felt him closer than close. I felt the separation vanishing.

It would be naive to say `that`s that then`. There were days after Cal left us that I couldn`t
function.

Waves of grief people call them.

Some say that the waves get farther and farther apart as time go on. I see it differently - I see
the waves - happiness at the peaks, despair in the valleys - getting closer and closer together,
until we realize that, like the letters - there is simply no distance between them; indeed -
between us and Cal.

As Cal`s mom Ione, put it - our lives might change direction with the loss of Calvin - but they
also grow in a different way, as we realize that Cal has become and will ever be a permanent
part of who we are.

Believe it or not, I actually cut this eulogy back from its first couple of drafts. I`d like to close with
a couple of verses that found their way to me:

He has showed you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do
justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God? (Micah 6:7)

"Those we love are with the Lord, and He has promised to be with us. If they are with Him, and
He is with us, then the ones we love cannot be far away."

Joshua 24:1 "choose this day whom you will serve...................but as for me and my house, we
will serve the Lord"

Philippians 1:21 "For to me, to live is Christ, to die is gain"

Cal:

May you, your family, friends, and colleagues be filled with loving kindness
May you be well
May you be peaceful and at ease
May you be happy.
I love you.